Whither Hospitality?

“Mommy, why are you kicking me under the table?” said my 8-year-old daughter. I smiled sweetly and then, when our host turned to the microwave, glowered at her and made a frantic digging motion toward my open mouth.

Our host put a plate of steaming, homemade cauliflower curry in front of me.

“Delicious,” I said, taking a bite. His daughter scraped the bottom of her bowl. My daughter sat stonily in front of hers.

“I apologize,” I said. “I guess she’s not hungry.”

I felt deeply ashamed. Not because she was being a picky eater—what parent hasn’t been occasionally smote by a bout of finickiness? Not because our host had spent a lot of time or money on the meal; the kids were noshing on Annie’s Mac & Cheese, a foodstuff about which the best I can say is it’s cheap, fast and easy. (As for the worst, enjoy it here!). And not even because we’d end up tossing 260 calories, 10 grams of protein and 46 grams of carbohydrates, an act which, in a world where 26% of children don’t have enough to eat, is almost sacrilegious.

No, I was ashamed because she had just rejected one of humankind’s most fundamental gestures of friendship. Around the globe—Africa, the Americas, Asia, Europe and even the Artic, every culture has its hospitality ritual. A fufu scoop dipped into a platter of goat stew and swallowed whole. Coffee and cardamon swirled together in a brass dallah and served in tiny cups. A swig of masticated, fermented corn mash from a communal gourd. A pot of tea and a plate of biscuits. Doritos, Coke and HDTV (home team pride!). The essential exchange is the same: The household food stores—the more prosaic, the better—are offered. The guest partakes and give thanks. The act is communion, and afterwards, the stranger is one of  us.

We live in a food-obsessed aged. Blogs, personal and professional, micro and traditional, chronicle each morsel that passes our lips. Every publication has its food pages, and the topic has encroached on practically every newspaper section except for weather. (Even the New York Times succumbed, in February, promoting a food writer to its general interest opinion pages.) Since 2004, the word “recipe” has been Googled with ever-increasing frequency and is now searched for 55.6 million times a month. The number of food-related hobbyists in the US has grown by 26% over the last decade, from 226 to 284 million (although there’s overlap among those who bake, barbeque, cook for fun and entertain). But there’s something missing in this endless chatter about ingredients, cooking techniques, restaurants and the ethics of eating—the other people at the table.

In my house, we’ve lost the habit of the shared meal. Me, I eat standing up, partly because I’m fidgety and partly because I always have a million things to do. My younger children shovel down peanut-butter sandwiches, pasta and burritos at the kitchen counter or gobble things from wrappers in the backseat of the car. Once a week or so, I inflict a family dinner on everyone; their success depends on how much Internet disconnectivity I achieve (from, depending on the age cohort, Club Penguin, Facebook or Twitter). Every month or so we invite over friends or relatives, inducing a frenetic orgy of cleaning, shopping and food prep. And I can’t even remember the last time I spontaneously invited someone to share whatever was on the stove.

So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that eating satisfies me less than ever before. Because a truly good meal isn’t about the food, it’s about the company.

*****

How about you? Do you sit down to eat regularly with the other people in your household? Commit last-minute acts of hospitality? Or do you, like me, realize you’ve been focusing more on the food than the friends?

Anastacia Marx de Salcedo posts monthly on Public Radio Kitchen for Slow Food Boston.

6 thoughts on “Whither Hospitality?

  1. Marian Dioguardi

    It’s is just my husband and me. I leave my painting studio at 5 PM. I cook every night we are at home; that is at least five times a week. Anyone who calls me before dinner time or shows up at the door while I am cooking knows that they will get an invitation to dinner.Tonight, Joe is coming. He’ll get roasted chicken, cooking greens in garlic and olive oil and a faro and bean side.I haven t decided about salad. Yes, I cook like this every night, as my mother did before me. It is more than a meal, it is a ritual.

  2. Roberta Cameron

    My most favorite Bible story is when Jesus reconciles with his disciple, Peter. (Over breakfast) Jesus commissions him: “If you love me, feed my lambs.” To share food, hospitality, is an entirely sufficient spiritual discipline.

  3. Leah

    Great article! I’m with Marian (comment above). I cook most weeknights and I eat with my husband. On weekends sometimes we’ll cook a more elaborate meal together. I try to eat out with friends no more than once per week (but that’s good shared company and not eating out of something like fast food wrappers in the car). Maybe this behavior makes me stand out from the crowd, but I was raised by a now-retired Home Economics teacher so that might have something to do with it. :)

  4. BCE

    I cook on Sunday for the majority of the week since I work full time and go to school. My children sat down with me for dinner and there were no phones answered or screens allowed. After awhile, they loved that time together and considered it sacred. If friends were around, they joined in, I always had pasta, rice and beans that could stretch a meal. I remember my son telling me that a teacher once asked how many of the kids in the class sit down and eat with their families at least 2xs a week. My son and one other were the only ones out of 25 that raised their hands. My children are grown and those meals together are some of my favorite memories.

  5. Susan Margot Ecker

    That makes me sooo sad! I grew up in a household where the dinner meal was always the social hour. Each family member came to the table to share food, stories and reconnect at the end of the day. In my own household, which is my husband and myself, this tradition continues whether it is the two of us or invited guests, friends, family or neighbors. We have no TV’s, computers, cell phones at home to distract us and I hope to preserve that as long as I can as well!

  6. Sara

    Nice article. You’re right of course that part of what makes eating satisfying is the sharing. I know that “eating on the go” is often seen as a cause of overeating, and (among other things) couldn’t part of it be the fact that food eaten in this way is less satisfying? Unfortunately it’s so hard to eat as a family–right now my kids are so small that they eat and go to bed pretty early, so I don’t worry about it much, but I do hope that when they are older this pattern doesn’t continue.

    Also it’s strange (as you point out) that there is all this interest in food on one level, but on another so much is missing. I’m curious about these statistics, too, when I also understand that fewer Americans are cooking than ever. At the same time, Food network is doing well despite this trend too, right?

    Thanks for this post!